She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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