why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
