Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
