Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
