Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize