he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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