I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
