i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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