That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
