if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
