I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
