so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
