I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
