Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
