Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
