So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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