So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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