I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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