The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
