Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
