Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
