Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
