It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
