Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize