glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
