Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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