Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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