so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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