Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
