ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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