Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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