every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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