brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
