that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
