I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
