Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
