How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
