I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
