just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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