i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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