where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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