I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
