I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
