does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
