every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I wear drunk well.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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