That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
