I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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