Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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