my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
