textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize