Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
