Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
