i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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