just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
